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+---
+title: Win Friends and Influence People
+---
+
+_Mom had a special knack for teaching without using undue drama. The
+following story illustrates her typical style._
+
+Tom and I had been driving tractors and motorcycles for quite a while
+when we decided it was high time we had a real "classy ride". Neither of
+us had a driver's license yet, but that was no obstacle to our plan. My
+16th birthday was coming up and I would be able to drive our car by
+myself soon enough. So we hatched a plan to go together and buy a car.
+We started looking at the ads in the newspaper and before long we found
+our dream car. It was a 1962 Ford Falcon, almost exactly like the
+picture below.
+
+![](md/08_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People-media/media/image1.jpeg){width="5.935124671916011in"
+height="3.71875in" alt=""}
+
+We told dad this was precisely what we wanted and asked him to take us
+to see the car. The three of us went to the house of the seller, who
+turned out to be an old gentleman with a heavy Swedish accent. He showed
+us the car and let us get inside and look under the hood and kick the
+tires. It was in very good shape, so Tom and I could hardly contain our
+excitement over buying this "classy ride". The asking price was $350.
+We had the money between us and were ready to put our money on the table
+and call it a deal.
+
+However, dad had other ideas. He asked the kindly old Swedish man if we
+could come inside and discuss the deal. Now I started to get nervous. In
+my mind, there was nothing to discuss. Just give the nice man his money
+and let's be on our way. But my dad felt there is always some benefit in
+trying to sweeten the deal when you are buying a used car. The old man
+invited us in and I nervously hoped that dad wouldn't destroy our dreams
+by trying to save a few dollars.
+
+When we were seated in the living room, dad said, "Would you be willing
+to take \$325 for the car?" The old man said, "I vill tink about it.
+Joost a moment." He got up and left the room to discuss our offer with
+his wife. I was holding my breath and crossing my fingers when the old
+man returned and said, "Dat vill be alright, ya." I sighed a big sigh of
+relief as we left with the understanding that dad would return with the
+cash the next day.
+
+I could only drive the car with a parent present for a few months, but
+Tom and I were ecstatic that we were the owners of a car. I wanted to
+make it look as good as possible, so I decided to wash and wax the car
+to make it look nearly new. I thought it would be a good idea to solicit
+some help in this ambitious plan, so I convinced Tom, Kristie and Leslie
+to help. Now I didn't know much about this art, but I had a vision of
+what the car should look like when we were finished. Washing the car
+wasn't terribly complex and we managed to do this quickly. However,
+waxing was a different story. I gave each helper a cloth and assigned
+each person a part of the car to rub the wax on. I didn't know enough to
+give each worker any instructions on how to get complete coverage of wax
+on the surface of the car. Consequently, the shine looked patchy and
+poor. It definitely didn't match my vision of a gleaming new car and I
+verbally told my helpers how poorly they were doing.
+
+Ultimately, my volunteers got tired of my less-than-inspiring feedback
+on the job they were doing and said something on the order of, "OK, Mr.
+Know-it-all! You can just do it yourself!" and walked off the job. I
+suppose they went back in the house and told Mom how abusive I was as a
+car-waxing supervisor. Shortly afterward, she came out to find me rather
+glumly sitting on the washing bucket, a bit mad about how different the
+reality was from the result I had envisioned. She didn't give me a hard
+time about my poor treatment of my brother and sisters. She just said,
+"Have you ever heard of a book called How to Win Friends and Influence
+People?" It was one of my dad's favorite books by Andrew Carnegie and I
+knew he had a copy of it in the house somewhere. From this question, I
+understood that Mom was implying I could benefit from working on my
+people skills a bit. She always had a special knack to help me see my
+faults without resorting to scolding or raising her voice.
+
+This was the pattern in our home. I can't remember my mother ever
+raising her voice at me or at any of the children. We learned from this
+approach to handling conflicts that anger and yelling simply were not
+appropriate. How grateful I am for this invaluable example. I always did
+my best to follow this example when communicating with my own family
+when I became a parent myself. The result of my mother's simple example
+will bless many generations with the knowledge that the soft-spoken
+approach gets better results than yelling and screaming every time.